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仅做 整合 / 美化 处理
I published this article in the New York Times Modern Love column in January of this year.
今年1月份我将这篇文章发表在《纽约时报》“现代爱情”专栏。
"To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This."
《想爱上某人，你要这么做》
And the article is about a psychological study
这篇文章讲的是一项心理学研究，
designed to create romantic love in the laboratory,
如何在实验室创造出浪漫的爱情，
and my own experience trying the study myself one night last summer.
我自己在去年一个夏夜也完成了这项试验。
So the procedure is fairly simple:
过程很简单：
two strangers take turns asking each other 36 increasingly personal questions
两个陌生人轮流问对方 36个问题，问题越来越私人化，
and then they stare into each other's eyes
然后四目相对，
without speaking for four minutes.
一言不发地对视4分钟。
So here are a couple of sample questions.
我选出了其中几个问题。
Number 12: If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability,
问题12:如果你明早醒来能获得一项品质或能力，
what would it be?
你希望是什么？
Number 28: When did you last cry in front of another person?
问题28:你上一次当着别人的面哭是什么时候？
By yourself?
（上一次）独自哭泣呢？
As you can see, they really do get more personal as they go along.
如大家所见，这些问题的确越来越私人化。
Number 30, I really like this one:
问题30，我很喜欢这一个：
Tell your partner what you like about them;
告诉对面的人，你喜欢他（她）什么，
be very honest this time,
要非常诚实，
saying things you might not say to someone you just met.
说一些你也许不会对初次见面的人说的话。
So when I first came across this study a few years earlier,
因此当我几年前偶然听说这个实验的时候，
one detail really stuck out to me,
有一个细节真的打动了我，
and that was the rumor that two of the participants had gotten married six months later,
我听到传言，说有两个参加实验的人在半年后结婚了，
and they'd invited the entire lab to the ceremony.
他俩邀请了整个实验团队去参加婚礼。
So I was of course very skeptical
当然，我非常怀疑
about this process of just manufacturing romantic love,
这种完全人造的浪漫爱情，
but of course I was intrigued.
但同时我也很好奇。
And when I got the chance to try this study myself,
当我自己也有机会去完成这个实验时
with someone I knew but not particularly well,
——和一个我认识但不是很熟的人——
I wasn't expecting to fall in love.
我完全没想到我们会陷入爱河。
But then we did, and --
但是我们真的陷进去了，而且——
(Laughter)
（笑声）
And I thought it made a good story,
我认为这是一个精彩的故事，
so I sent it to the Modern Love column a few months later.
所以几个月后，我将它发给了 “现代爱情”专栏。
Now, this was published in January,
今年一月，文章发表了，
and now it is August,
现在是八月份，
so I'm guessing that some of you are probably wondering,
所以我想你们中间肯定有人在想，
are we still together?
我俩是不是还在一起？
And the reason I think you might be wondering this
我之所以知道你们想问，
is because I have been asked this question
是因为过去七个月里，
again and again and again for the past seven months.
我已经被问了无数次。
And this question is really what I want to talk about today.
我今天真的想回答这个问题。
But let's come back to it.
但是让我们先说说别的。
(Laughter)
（笑声）
So the week before the article came out,
在文章发表前一周，
I was very nervous.
我非常紧张。
I had been working on a book about love stories
我一直在写一本关于爱情的书，
for the past few years,
已经好几年了，
so I had gotten used to writing about my own experiences
我已经习惯于在我的博客上
with romantic love on my blog.
分享我自己的爱情经历。
But a blog post might get a couple hundred views at the most,
然而博客可能最多只有几百人在看，
and those were usually just my Facebook friends,
而且大多数是我“脸书”上的好友，
and I figured my article in the New York Times
而我发表到《纽约时报》上的文章，
would probably get a few thousand views.
可能会有几千人看。
And that felt like a lot of attention
对一段刚刚确定的关系而言，
on a relatively new relationship.
关注的人有点太多了（不是件好事儿）。
But as it turned out, I had no idea.
但对随之而来的事情，我毫无准备。
So the article was published online
这篇文章上线
on a Friday evening,
是在一个周五的晚上，
and by Saturday, this had happened to the traffic on my blog.
到周六的时候，我的博客访问量 （暴涨）成了这个样子。
And by Sunday, both the Today Show and Good Morning America had called.
到周日的时候，《今日秀》和《早安美国》都给我打电话了。
Within a month, the article would receive over 8 million views,
一个月之内，这篇文章被点击超过800万次，
and I was, to say the least,
所以，对我而言，
underprepared for this sort of attention.
我对如此高的关注度毫无准备。
It's one thing to work up the confidence to write honestly about your experiences with love,
鼓起勇气，如实写出自己的恋爱经历是一回事；
but it is another thing to discover
而发现自己的爱情故事
that your love life has made international news --
成为国际新闻就是另一回事了。
(Laughter)
（笑声）
and to realize that people across the world
更别说全世界人民
are genuinely invested in the status of your new relationship.
都在关注你的新恋情进展了。
(Laughter)
（笑声）
And when people called or emailed, which they did every day for weeks,
人们每天给我打电话，发邮件，持续了好几周，
they always asked the same question first:
他们都会问同样的问题：
are you guys still together?
你们还在一起吗？
In fact, as I was preparing this talk,
实际上，在我准备这次演讲时，
I did a quick search of my email inbox
我在收件箱里搜索句子，
for the phrase "Are you still together?"
“你们还在一起吗？”
and several messages popped up immediately.
蹦出来好多结果。
They were from students and journalists
问的人有学生，有记者，
and friendly strangers like this one.
还有善意的陌生人，就像这一位。
I did radio interviews and they asked.
我参加电台访谈节目，他们也会问我。
I even gave a talk, and one woman shouted up to the stage,
甚至有一次我在做演讲，有一位女士大叫着跑上台，
"Hey Mandy, where's your boyfriend?"
“嘿，曼迪，你的男朋友呢？”
And I promptly turned bright red.
我立刻就脸红了。
I understand that this is part of the deal.
我能理解他们的反应。
If you write about your relationship in an international newspaper,
既然你在一家国际性的报纸上写出自己的爱情故事，
you should expect people to feel comfortable asking about it.
你就应该预料到大家会毫无顾忌地问这问那。
But I just wasn't prepared for the scope of the response.
但我只是没想到反响会如此之大。
The 36 questions seem to have taken on a life of their own.
这36个问题仿佛有了自己的生命力。
In fact, the New York Times published a follow-up article for Valentine's Day,
实际上，《纽约时报》为情人节又发表了 一篇后续文章，
which featured readers' experiences of trying the study themselves,
讲的是读者们自己进行实验的经历，
with varying degrees of success.
他们的成功率各不相同。
So my first impulse in the face of all of this attention
所以面对如此多的关注，我的第一反应
was to become very protective of my own relationship.
就是要保护我的恋爱关系。
I said no to every request for the two of us
对于所有要我俩共同接受采访的媒体，
to do a media appearance together.
我都拒绝了。
I turned down TV interviews,
我不接受电视采访，
and I said no to every request for photos of the two us.
我拒绝提供两人的合照。
I think I was afraid that we would become
我觉得我是害怕被贴上
inadvertent icons for the process of falling in love,
对待爱情太过随意的标签，
a position I did not at all feel qualified for.
我接受不了这种评价。
And I get it:
我明白：
people didn't just want to know if the study worked,
人们不光想知道这实验有没有效，
they wanted to know if it really worked:
他们还想知道这实验会不会真的成功：
that is, if it was capable of producing love that would last,
也就是说，刻意制造出来的爱情能否持久，
not just a fling, but real love, sustainable love.
不是昙花一现，而是能持续下去的真爱。
But this was a question I didn't feel capable of answering.
但这个问题我没办法回答。
My own relationship was only a few months old,
因为我的感情也才开始几个月而已，
and I felt like people were asking the wrong question in the first place.
而且我觉得这个问题问得不对。
What would knowing whether or not we were still together really tell them?
知道我俩是否在一起能起什么作用呢？
If the answer was no,
如果我们分手了，
would it make the experience of doing these 36 questions any less worthwhile?
是不是意味着做这36道题就没什么意义了呢？
Dr. Arthur Aron first wrote about these questions in this study here in 1997,
这些问题最初是亚瑟·阿伦博士在1997年的这项研究中设计出来的，
and here, the researcher's goal was not to produce romantic love.
当时，研究者的目的并不是要制造爱情。
Instead, they wanted to foster interpersonal closeness among college students,
而是想增进大学生之间的人际关系，
by using what Aron called
通过阿伦所谓的
"sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personalistic self-disclosure."
“持续的、不断深入的、双向的、自我人格剖析”。
Sounds romantic, doesn't it?
听起来真是浪漫啊，不是吗？
But the study did work.
但这项研究确实有效。
The participants did feel closer after doing it,
参与者确实感觉比实验前更亲密了，
and several subsequent studies have also used Aron's fast friends protocol
随后的几项研究同样使用了阿伦的快速交友模式，
as a way to quickly create trust and intimacy between strangers.
以此来在陌生人之间迅速地建立信任，消除隔阂。
They've used it between members of the police and members of community,
他们将这种方法用在警察和社区成员之间，
and they've used it between people of opposing political ideologies.
用在持不同政见的人群之间。
The original version of the story,
这个故事的初始版本，
the one that I tried last summer,
也就是我去年夏天完成的，
that pairs the personal questions with four minutes of eye contact,
将私人问题和4分钟眼神交流结合在一起，
was referenced in this article,
在这篇文章里也提到了，
but unfortunately it was never published.
但不幸的是这篇文章从未被发表。
So a few months ago, I was giving a talk at a small liberal arts college,
几个月前，我在一所小型文理学院做演讲，
and a student came up to me afterwards
演讲结束后，一名男生过来找我，
and he said, kind of shyly,
他怯生生地说，
"So, I tried your study, and it didn't work."
“嗯，我试过你的方法了，但是不管用。”
He seemed a little mystified by this.
他看起来很迷茫的样子。
"You mean, you didn't fall in love with the person you did it with?" I asked.
“你的意思是，你没有爱上跟你一起做实验的那个人？”我问。
"Well..." He paused.
“也许……”他停顿了一下。
"I think she just wants to be friends."
“我觉得她只想与我做朋友。”
"But did you become better friends?" I asked.
“但你们的关系是不是比以前更好了？”我又问。
"Did you feel like you got to really know each other after doing the study?"
“你有没有觉得实验之后，你俩对彼此的了解都有所加深？”
He nodded.
他点了点头。
"So, then it worked," I said.
“那么，这个实验就是管用的。”我说
I don't think this is the answer he was looking for.
我知道这不是他想得到的答案。
In fact, I don't think this is the answer that any of us are looking for
事实上，我认为这不是任何人想要得到的答案，
when it comes to love.
尤其是他们在寻找爱情的时候。
I first came across this study when I was 29
我第一次完成这个实验的时候是29岁，
and I was going through a really difficult breakup.
当时我正在经历一场非常痛苦的分手。
I had been in the relationship since I was 20,
这段感情是从我20岁时开始的，
which was basically my entire adult life,
几乎贯穿了我成年后的所有岁月，
and he was my first real love,
他是我第一个真正爱的人，
and I had no idea how or if I could make a life without him.
我无法想象没有他的人生会是怎样。
So I turned to science.
于是我求助于科学。
I researched everything I could find about the science of romantic love,
我研究了所有我能找到的关于爱情的科学资料，
and I think I was hoping that it might somehow inoculate me from heartache.
我觉得我当时是想以此来疗伤。
I don't know if I realized this at the time --
我不知道当时我有没有意识到这一点——
I thought I was just doing research for this book I was writing --
我认为自己只是在为写的书做研究——
but it seems really obvious in retrospect.
但事后回想，当时确实是想借此疗伤。
I hoped that if I armed myself with the knowledge of romantic love,
我当时希望用爱情的知识武装自己，
I might never have to feel as terrible and lonely as I did then.
也许失恋带来的伤害和孤独感就不会那么强烈。
And all this knowledge has been useful in some ways.
这些知识最后都或多或少发挥了作用，
I am more patient with love. I am more relaxed.
我对爱情更加有耐心。我变得不那么执着。
I am more confident about asking for what I want.
我也更加有自信去追求自己想要的。
But I can also see myself more clearly,
但同时我也能更加清晰地认识自己，
and I can see that what I want is sometimes more
我发现我想要的很多，
than can reasonably be asked for.
有时候甚至是一些只能意会的东西。
What I want from love is a guarantee,
我希望爱情是一种保障，
not just that I am loved today
并不仅仅是今天被爱，
and that I will be loved tomorrow,
或者明天被爱，
but that I will continue to be loved by the person I love indefinitely.
而是被我爱的这个人永远地爱下去。
Maybe it's this possibility of a guarantee that people were really asking about
也许大家关心我俩是不是还在一起真正的原因在于
when they wanted to know if we were still together.
大家都想看看这种保障是否真的存在。
So the story that the media told about the 36 questions
因此媒体对这36道题的故事感兴趣的真正原因
was that there might be a shortcut to falling in love.
在于大家好奇：爱情是否存在捷径。
There might be a way to somehow mitigate some of the risk involved,
也许存在某种方法，可以降低爱情的风险，
and this is a very appealing story,
而这个实验本身，也非常吸引人，
because falling in love feels amazing,
因为爱上某人的感觉非常奇妙，
but it's also terrifying.
但同时也让人感到害怕。
The moment you admit to loving someone,
当你承认爱上某人的那一刻起，
you admit to having a lot to lose,
也就意味着你要放弃很多东西，
and it's true that these questions do provide a mechanism
但这些问题的确提供了一种
for getting to know someone quickly,
快速了解一个人的途径，
which is also a mechanism for being known,
同时也提供了你被人了解的途径，
and I think this is the thing that most of us really want from love:
我想，我们大多数人都希望从爱情中获得以下东西：
to be known, to be seen, to be understood.
被了解，被关注，被理解。
But I think when it comes to love,
但我也认为，当谈到爱情时，
we are too willing to accept the short version of the story.
我们有时太过简单粗暴，
The version of the story that asks, "Are you still together?"
简单到只想问“你们是否还在一起？”，
and is content with a yes or no answer.
而这个问题只用是和否就可以回答。
So rather than that question,
因此相对这个问题，
I would propose we ask some more difficult questions,
我建议大家问一些更深的问题，
questions like:
比如：
How do you decide who deserves your love
你如何确定谁值得你爱？
and who does not?
谁不值得？
How do you stay in love when things get difficult,
当遇到困难时你如何维系爱情，
and how do you know when to just cut and run?
你如何判断何时该分手，各走各的路？
How do you live with the doubt that inevitably creeps into every relationship,
你如何处理每段感情都可能出现的信任问题，
or even harder,
甚至比这更难一点，
how do you live with your partner's doubt?
你如何处理伴侣的不信任？
I don't necessarily know the answers to these questions,
我不一定知道这些问题的答案，
but I think they're an important start at having a more thoughtful conversation
但我认为，我们以更加成熟的方式来讨论爱情
about what it means to love someone.
会是一个不错的开始。
So, if you want it,
当然，如果你们坚持想要知道
the short version of the story of my relationship is this:
我的爱情故事缩略版，我满足你们：
a year ago, an acquaintance and I did a study
一年前，我和一个熟人进行了一次实验，
designed to create romantic love,
看爱情能否被制造出来，
and we fell in love,
结果我们相爱了，
and we are still together,
现在也没有分开，
and I am so glad.
我非常开心。
But falling in love is not the same thing as staying in love.
但坠入爱河与维持爱情是两回事。
Falling in love is the easy part.
相爱容易相守难。
So at the end of my article, I wrote,
所以在文章结尾，我写到，
"Love didn't happen to us. We're in love because we each made the choice to be."
“爱情不是从天而降的。我们相爱是因为我们选择了相爱。”
And I cringe a little when I read that now,
再读这句话时，我有点不好意思，
not because it isn't true,
不是因为这句话不对，
but because at the time, I really hadn't considered
而是当时，我对选择相爱意味着什么，
everything that was contained in that choice.
并没有考虑得那么周全。
I didn't consider how many times we would each have to make that choice,
我没有考虑，有多少次我们本应该下定决心相爱，
and how many times I will continue to have to make that choice
以及在不知道对方是否选择我的前提下，
without knowing whether or not he will always choose me.
未来我还需要下多少次决心。
I want it to be enough to have asked and answered 36 questions,
我希望通过36个问题的问和答，
and to have chosen to love someone so generous and kind and fun
通过选择一个如此慷慨、善良、风趣的人相爱，
and to have broadcast that choice in the biggest newspaper in America.
通过将我的选择在全美最大的报纸上曝光，已经足够我认定这个选择了。
But what I have done instead is turn my relationship
然而我所做的却是将我的爱情
into the kind of myth I don't quite believe in.
变成了一个我自己都不怎么相信的神话故事。
And what I want, what perhaps I will spend my life wanting,
我现在追求的，也许我一辈子都会去追求的，
is for that myth to be true.
就是让这个神话成真。
I want the happy ending implied by the title to my article,
我希望一个幸福的结局，就像我文章标题所暗示的，
which is, incidentally,
顺便说一句，
the only part of the article that I didn't actually write.
整篇文章只有那个标题不是我写的。
(Laughter)
（笑声）
But what I have instead is the chance to make the choice to love someone,
但是我有机会去选择我爱的人，
and the hope that he will choose to love me back,
也希望他能爱我，
and it is terrifying,
这事儿挺让人害怕的，
but that's the deal with love.
但这就是爱情。
Thank you.
谢谢大家。