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仅做 整合 / 美化 处理
So when you think about a child. a close friend. or a romantic partner.
[AI] 所以当你想到一个孩子的时候。密友。或者是一个浪漫的伴侣。
the word "love" probably comes to mind.
[AI] “爱”这个词可能会出现在我的脑海中。
and instantly other emotions rush in:
[AI] 其他情绪也会立刻涌上心头：
joy and hope.
[AI] 快乐和希望。
excitement. trust and security.
[AI] 激动信任和安全。
and yes. sometimes sadness and disappointment.
[AI] 是的。有时是悲伤和失望。
There might not be a word in the dictionary
[AI] 字典里可能一个字也没有
that more of us are connected to than love.
[AI] 我们中更多的人与爱联系在一起。
Yet. given its central importance in our lives.
[AI] 然而考虑到它在我们生活中的核心重要性。
isn't it interesting that we're never explicitly taught how to love?
[AI] 我们从未被明确地教导如何去爱，这不是很有趣吗？
We build friendships.
[AI] 我们建立友谊。
navigate early romantic relationships.
[AI] 浏览早期的浪漫关系。
get married and bring babies home from the hospital
[AI] 结婚，把孩子从医院带回家
with the expectation that we'll figure it out.
[AI] 希望我们能解决这个问题。
But the truth is. we often harm and disrespect the ones we love.
[AI] 但事实是。我们经常伤害和不尊重我们所爱的人。
It can be subtle things
[AI] 它可以是微妙的事情
like guilting a friend into spending time with you
[AI] 就像诱使一个朋友花时间和你在一起
or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts
[AI] 或者偷看对方的短信
or shaming a child for their lack of effort at school.
[AI] 或者因为孩子在学校不努力而羞辱他们。
100 percent of us will be on the receiving end
[AI] 我们100%的人都会在接收端
of unhealthy relationship behaviors
[AI] 不良关系行为的预防
and 100 percent of us will do unhealthy things.
[AI] 我们100%的人都会做不健康的事情。
It's part of being human.
[AI] 这是人类的一部分。
In its worst form. the harm we inflict on loved ones
[AI] 以最糟糕的形式。我们对所爱的人造成的伤害
shows up as abuse and violence.
[AI] 表现为虐待和暴力。
and relationship abuse
[AI] 和关系虐待
is something that one in three women and one in four men
[AI] 三分之一的女性和四分之一的男性
will experience in their lifetime.
[AI] 将在他们的一生中经历。
Now. if you're like most people. when you hear those stats.
[AI] 现在如果你和大多数人一样。当你听到这些数据时。
you'll go. "Oh. no. no. no. that would never happen to me."
[AI] 你会去的。“哦，不，不，不，那不会发生在我身上。”
It's instinctual to move away from the words "abuse" and "violence."
[AI] 人们本能地会避开“虐待”和“暴力”这两个词
to think that they happen to someone else somewhere else.
[AI] 认为他们发生在别人身上。
But the truth is. unhealthy relationships and abuse are all around us.
[AI] 但事实是。不健康的关系和虐待无处不在。
We just call them different things and ignore the connection.
[AI] 我们只是称它们为不同的东西，而忽略了它们之间的联系。
Abuse sneaks up on us disguised in unhealthy love.
[AI] 虐待在不健康的爱情中悄悄地向我们袭来。
I work for an organization called One Love
[AI] 我为一个叫“爱一”的组织工作
started by a family whose daughter Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.
[AI] 由一个家庭发起，她的女儿Yeardley被前男友杀害。
This was a tragedy no one saw coming.
[AI] 这是一场没有人预见到的悲剧。
but when they looked back. they realized the warning signs were there
[AI] 但是当他们回头看的时候。他们意识到警告信号就在那里
just no one understood what they were seeing.
[AI] 只是没人知道他们看到了什么。
Called crazy or drama or too much drinking.
[AI] 被称为疯狂、戏剧或酗酒。
his actions weren't understood to be what they really were.
[AI] 他的行为没有被理解为真正的行为。
which was clear signs of danger.
[AI] 这是明显的危险迹象。
Her family realized that if anyone had been educated about these signs.
[AI] 她的家人意识到，如果有人接受过关于这些迹象的教育。
her death could have been prevented.
[AI] 她的死本来是可以避免的。
So today we're on a mission to make sure
[AI] 所以今天我们的任务是确保
that others have the information that Yeardley and her friends didn't.
[AI] 其他人有Yeardley和她的朋友没有的信息。
We have three main goals:
[AI] 我们有三个主要目标：
give all of us a language for talking about a subject
[AI] 给我们所有人一种谈论某一主题的语言
that's quite awkward and uncomfortable to discuss;
[AI] 这是非常尴尬和不舒服的讨论；
empower a whole front line. namely friends. to help;
[AI] 授权整个前线。就是朋友。帮助；
and. in the process. improve all of our ability to love better.
[AI] 和在这个过程中。提高我们的爱的能力。
To do this. it's always important to start by illuminating
[AI] 这样做。从照明开始总是很重要的
the unhealthy signs that we frequently miss.
[AI] 我们经常忽略的不健康迹象。
and our work really focuses on creating content
[AI] 我们的工作重点是创建内容
to start conversations with young people.
[AI] 开始与年轻人对话。
As you'd expect. most of our content is pretty serious.
[AI] 如你所料。我们的大部分内容都很严肃。
given the subject at hand.
[AI] 考虑到眼前的主题。
but today I'm going to use one of our more light-hearted
[AI] 但今天我要用一种更轻松的方式
yet still thought-provoking pieces.
[AI] 但仍然是发人深省的作品。
"The Couplets."
[AI] “对联。”
to illuminate five markers of unhealthy love.
[AI] 照亮五个不健康爱情的标记。
The first is intensity.
[AI] 首先是强度。
(Video) Blue: I haven't seen you in a couple days. I've missed you.
[AI] （视频）布鲁：我已经好几天没见到你了。我失去你了
Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove)
[AI] 奥兰治：我也很想你。（#thatslove）
Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes. It feels like a lifetime.
[AI] 布鲁：我已经五分钟没见到你了。感觉像是一辈子。
What have you been doing without me for five whole minutes?
[AI] 整整五分钟没有我你在干什么？
Orange: It's been three minutes. (#thatsnotlove)
[AI] 橙色：已经三分钟了。（#那不是爱）
Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that? I don't know. I do.
[AI] 凯蒂·胡德：有人认识吗？我不知道。我愿意。
Abusive relationships don't start out abusive.
[AI] 虐待的关系不是从虐待开始的。
They start out exciting and exhilarating.
[AI] 他们开始时既兴奋又兴奋。
There's an intensity of affection and emotion. a rush.
[AI] 有强烈的感情和情感。匆忙。
It feels really good.
[AI] 感觉真的很好。
You feel so lucky. like you've hit the jackpot.
[AI] 你觉得很幸运。就像你中了头彩一样。
But in unhealthy love. these feelings shift over time
[AI] 但是在不健康的爱情中。这些感觉会随着时间的推移而改变
from exciting to overwhelming and maybe a little bit suffocating.
[AI] 从兴奋到压倒性，也许有点令人窒息。
You feel it in your gut.
[AI] 你感觉到了。
Maybe it's when your new boyfriend or girlfriend
[AI] 也许是你的新男朋友或女朋友
says "I love you" faster than you were ready for
[AI] 说“我爱你”的速度比你准备的要快
or starts showing up everywhere. texting and calling a lot.
[AI] 或者开始到处出现。经常发短信和打电话。
Maybe they're impatient when you're slow to respond.
[AI] 当你反应迟钝时，他们可能会不耐烦。
even though they know you had other things going on that day.
[AI] 即使他们知道你那天还有其他事情。
It's important to remember that it's not how a relationship starts that matters.
[AI] 重要的是要记住，重要的不是一段关系如何开始。
it's how it evolves.
[AI] 这就是它的发展过程。
It's important in the early days of a new relationship
[AI] 在新关系的初期，这很重要
to pay attention to how you're feeling.
[AI] 注意你的感受。
Are you comfortable with the pace of intimacy?
[AI] 你对亲密的节奏感到舒服吗？
Do you feel like you have space and room to breathe?
[AI] 你觉得你有空间和空间呼吸吗？
It's also really important to start practicing using your voice
[AI] 开始练习使用你的声音也是非常重要的
to talk about your own needs.
[AI] 谈谈你自己的需要。
Are your requests respected?
[AI] 你的要求得到尊重了吗？
A second marker is isolation.
[AI] 第二个标志是隔离。
(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out?
[AI] （视频）橙色2：想出去玩吗？
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.
[AI] 橙色1：我和我男朋友总是在星期一放假。
Orange 2: Want to hang out?
[AI] 橙色2：想出去玩吗？
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.
[AI] 橙色1：我和我男朋友总是在星期一放假。
Orange 2: Tomorrow? Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.
[AI] 橙色2：明天？橙色1：这是我们周二的打盹日。
Orange 2: Wednesday? Orange 1: No Friends Day.
[AI] 橙色2：星期三？橙色1：没有朋友节。
KH: If you ask me. isolation is one of the most frequently missed
[AI] 如果你问我的话。孤立是最常被忽视的问题之一
and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.
[AI] 以及被误解的不健康爱情的迹象。
Why?
[AI] 为什么？
Because every new relationship starts out with this intense desire
[AI] 因为每一段新的关系都是从这种强烈的欲望开始的
to spend time together.
[AI] 花时间在一起。
it's easy to miss when something shifts.
[AI] 当某些东西移动时，很容易错过。
Isolation creeps in when your new boyfriend or girlfriend
[AI] 当你的新男朋友或女朋友出现时，你会感到孤独
starts pulling you away from your friends and family.
[AI] 开始让你远离你的朋友和家人。
your support system.
[AI] 你的支持系统。
and tethering you more tightly to them.
[AI] 把你和他们绑得更紧。
They might say things like.
[AI] 他们可能会这样说。
"Why do you hang out with them? They're such losers"
[AI] “你为什么要和他们在一起？他们都是失败者”
about your best friends.
[AI] 关于你最好的朋友。
or. "They want us to break up. They're totally against us"
[AI] 或“他们要我们分手，他们完全反对我们”
about your family.
[AI] 关于你的家庭。
Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt
[AI] 隔离就是播下怀疑的种子
about everyone from your prerelationship life.
[AI] 关于你婚前生活中的每一个人。
Healthy love includes independence.
[AI] 健康的爱情包括独立。
two people who love spending time together
[AI] 两个喜欢在一起的人
but who stay connected to the people and activities they cared about before.
[AI] 但是他们与以前关心的人和活动保持联系。
While at first you might spend every waking minute together.
[AI] 起初你们可能会在一起度过醒着的每一分钟。
over time maintaining independence is key.
[AI] 随着时间的推移，保持独立性是关键。
You do this by making plans with friends and sticking to them
[AI] 你可以通过与朋友制定计划并坚持下去来做到这一点
and encouraging your partner to do the same.
[AI] 鼓励你的伴侣也这样做。
A third marker of unhealthy love is extreme jealousy.
[AI] 不健康爱情的第三个标志是极度嫉妒。
(Video) Blue 2: What are you so happy about?
[AI] （视频）蓝色2：你为什么这么高兴？
Blue 1: She just started following me on Instagram!
[AI] 蓝色1：她刚开始在Instagram上跟踪我！
Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?
[AI] 蓝色2：你为什么这么紧张？
Blue 1: She. she just started following me. like. everywhere.
[AI] 蓝色1：她。她刚开始跟踪我。喜欢处处
(#thatsnotlove)
[AI] （#那不是爱）
KH: As the honeymoon period begins to fade.
[AI] 随着蜜月期开始消退。
extreme jealousy can creep in.
[AI] 极度的嫉妒会悄悄地出现。
Your partner might become more demanding.
[AI] 你的伴侣可能会变得更苛刻。
needing to know where you are and who you're with all the time.
[AI] 需要知道你在哪里，和谁在一起。
or they might start following you everywhere. online and off.
[AI] 或者他们可能开始到处跟着你。在线和离线。
Extreme jealousy also brings with it possessiveness and mistrust.
[AI] 极度嫉妒也会带来占有欲和不信任。
frequent accusations of flirting with other people or cheating.
[AI] 经常被指控与他人调情或欺骗。
and refusal to listen to you when you tell them
[AI] 当你告诉他们的时候，他们拒绝听你的
they have nothing to worry about and that you only love them.
[AI] 他们没有什么可担心的，你只爱他们。
Jealousy is a part of any human relationship.
[AI] 嫉妒是任何人际关系的一部分。
but extreme jealousy is different.
[AI] 但极端嫉妒则不同。
There's a threatening. desperate and angry edge to it.
[AI] 有一个威胁。绝望和愤怒的边缘。
Love shouldn't feel like this.
[AI] 爱不应该有这种感觉。
A fourth marker is belittling.
[AI] 第四个标记是贬低。
(Video) Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.
[AI] （视频）蓝色：想出去玩吗？奥兰治：我要学习。
Blue: You'll get an A anyway. A for amazing. (#thatslove)
[AI] 蓝：不管怎样，你都会得到A。这是一个令人惊奇的故事。（#thatslove）
Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.
[AI] 蓝：想出去玩吗？奥兰治：我要学习。
Blue: You'll get an F anyway.
[AI] 蓝：不管怎样，你都会得到F。
F for. F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)
[AI] F代表。F代表。。。愚蠢的（#那不是爱）
KH: Yeah. hmm.
[AI] 是的。隐马尔可夫模型。
In unhealthy love. words are used as weapons.
[AI] 在不健康的爱情中。语言被用作武器。
Conversations that used to be fun and lighthearted
[AI] 曾经是有趣和轻松的对话
turn mean and embarrassing.
[AI] 变得卑鄙和尴尬。
Maybe your partner makes fun of you in a way that hurts.
[AI] 也许你的伴侣以一种伤害你的方式取笑你。
or maybe they tell stories and jokes for laughs at your expense.
[AI] 或者他们会讲故事和笑话取笑你。
When you try to explain that your feelings have been hurt.
[AI] 当你试图解释你的感情受到伤害时。
they shut you down and accuse you of overreacting.
[AI] 他们让你闭嘴，指责你反应过度。
"Why are you so sensitive? What's your problem. Give me a break."
[AI] “你为什么这么敏感？你有什么问题。饶了我吧。”
You are silenced by these words.
[AI] 这些话让你哑口无言。
It seems pretty obvious. but your partner should have your back.
[AI] 这似乎很明显。但你的伴侣应该支持你。
Their words should build you up. not break you down.
[AI] 他们的话会让你振作起来。不会让你崩溃的。
They should keep your secrets and be loyal.
[AI] 他们应该保守你的秘密并忠诚。
They should make you feel more confident.
[AI] 他们应该让你感觉更自信。
not less.
[AI] 不少。
Finally. a fifth marker: volatility.
[AI] 最后第五个标志：波动性。
(Video) Orange 1: I'd be sad if we broke up.
[AI] （视频）橙色1：如果我们分手了，我会很难过。
Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)
[AI] 橙色2：我也会难过的。（#thatslove）
Orange 1: I'd so depressed if we ever broke up.
[AI] 橙色1：如果我们分手，我会很沮丧。
I'd throw myself off this step.
[AI] 我会跳下这一步。
I would! Don't try to stop me!
[AI] 我会的！别想阻止我！
(#thatsnotlove)
[AI] （#那不是爱）
KH: Frequent breakups and makeups. high highs and low lows:
[AI] KH：经常分手和化妆。高高和低低：
as tension rises. so does volatility.
[AI] 随着紧张局势的加剧。波动性也是如此。
Tearful. frustrated fights followed by emotional makeups.
[AI] 含泪的。失意的争吵之后是情绪化的化妆。
hateful and hurtful comments like.
[AI] 像这样可恨和有害的评论。
"You're worthless. I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"
[AI] “你一文不值。我甚至不知道我为什么和你在一起！”
followed quickly by apologies and promises it will never happen again.
[AI] 紧接着是道歉和承诺，这种事永远不会再发生。
By this point. you've been so conditioned to this relationship roller coaster
[AI] 至此。你已经习惯了这种关系的过山车
that you may not realize how unhealthy and maybe even dangerous
[AI] 你可能没有意识到有多不健康，甚至有多危险
your relationship has become.
[AI] 你们的关系变得很好。
It can be really hard to see
[AI] 这真的很难看到
when unhealthy love turns towards abuse.
[AI] 当不健康的爱变成虐待。
but it's fair to say that the more of these markers
[AI] 但可以公平地说，这些标记越多
your relationship might have.
[AI] 你们的关系可能有问题。
the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous your relationship could be.
[AI] 你们的关系可能越不健康，也可能越危险。
And if your instinct is to break up and leave.
[AI] 如果你的本能是分手然后离开。
which is advice so many of us give our friends
[AI] 这就是我们很多人给朋友的建议
when they're in unhealthy relationships.
[AI] 当他们处于不健康的关系中时。
that's not always the best advice.
[AI] 这并不总是最好的建议。
Time of breakup can be a real trigger for violence.
[AI] 分手的时间可能是引发暴力的真正原因。
If you fear you might be headed towards abuse or in abuse.
[AI] 如果你担心你可能会被虐待或被虐待。
you need to consult with experts to get the advice on how to leave safely.
[AI] 你需要咨询专家以获得如何安全离开的建议。
But it's not just about romantic relationships
[AI] 但这不仅仅是关于浪漫关系
and it's not just about violence.
[AI] 这不仅仅是暴力。
Understanding the signs of unhealthy love
[AI] 了解不健康爱情的迹象
can help you audit and understand nearly every relationship in your life.
[AI] 可以帮助你审核和理解生活中几乎每一段关系。
For the first time. you might understand why you're disappointed in a friendship
[AI] 这是第一次。你可能理解为什么你对友谊感到失望
or why every interaction with a certain family member
[AI] 或者为什么每次与某个家庭成员的互动
leaves you discouraged and anxious.
[AI] 让你感到沮丧和焦虑。
You might even begin to see how your own intensity and jealousy
[AI] 你甚至可能开始看到你自己的紧张和嫉妒
is causing problems with colleagues at work.
[AI] 导致同事在工作中出现问题。
Understanding is the first step to improving.
[AI] 理解是改进的第一步。
and while you can't make every unhealthy relationship healthy --
[AI] 虽然你不能让每一段不健康的关系都健康--
some you're going to have to leave behind --
[AI] 有些你将不得不留下--
you can do your part every day to do relationships better.
[AI] 你可以每天尽自己的一份力来改善人际关系。
And here's the exciting news:
[AI] 下面是令人兴奋的消息：
it's actually not rocket science.
[AI] 这其实不是火箭科学。
Open communication. mutual respect.
[AI] 开放式沟通。相互尊重。
kindness. patience --
[AI] 仁慈忍耐--
we can practice these things every day.
[AI] 我们可以每天练习这些东西。
And while practice will definitely make you better.
[AI] 而练习肯定会让你变得更好。
I have to promise you it's also not going to make you perfect.
[AI] 我必须向你保证这也不会让你变得完美。
I do this for a living
[AI] 我是靠这个谋生的
and every day I think and talk about healthy relationships.
[AI] 每天我都在思考和谈论健康的人际关系。
and still I do unhealthy things.
[AI] 我仍然做不健康的事情。
Just the other day as I was trying to shuttle my four kids out the door
[AI] 就在前几天，我正试图把我的四个孩子送出门
amidst quarreling. squabbling and complaints about breakfast.
[AI] 在争吵中。关于早餐的争吵和抱怨。
I completely lost it.
[AI] 我完全失去了它。
With an intentionally angry edge.
[AI] 故意带着愤怒的表情。
I screamed.
[AI] 我尖叫着。
"Everybody just shut up and do what I say!
[AI] “大家都闭嘴，照我说的做！
You are the worst!
[AI] 你是最坏的！
I am going to take away screen time and dessert
[AI] 我要取消放映时间和甜点
and anything else you could possibly ever enjoy in life!"
[AI] 还有你在生活中可能享受到的任何东西！"
(Laughter)
[AI] （众笑）
Anybody been there?
[AI] 有人去过吗？
(Applause)
[AI] （掌声）
Volatility. belittling.
[AI] 波动。贬低。
My oldest son turned around and looked at me. and said.
[AI] 我的大儿子转过身来看着我。然后说。
"Mom. that's not love."
[AI] “妈妈，那不是爱。”
(Laughter)
[AI] （众笑）
For a minute. I really wanted to kill him for calling me out.
[AI] 一会儿。我真的很想杀了他，因为他叫我出来。
Trust me.
[AI] 相信我。
But then I gathered myself
[AI] 但后来我振作起来
and I thought. you know what. I'm actually proud.
[AI] 我想。你知道吗。我真的很自豪。
I'm proud that he has a language to make me pause.
[AI] 我很自豪他有一种语言能让我停下来。
I want all of my kids to understand what the bar should be
[AI] 我想让我所有的孩子都明白酒吧应该是什么
for how they're treated
[AI] 因为他们是如何被对待的
and to have a language and a voice to use when that bar is not met
[AI] 在不符合标准的情况下使用语言和声音
versus just accepting it.
[AI] 而不是仅仅接受它。
For too long. we've treated relationships as a soft topic.
[AI] 太久了。我们把人际关系当作一个软话题。
when relationship skills are one of the most important
[AI] 当人际关系技巧是最重要的
and hard to build things in life.
[AI] 而且很难在生活中建造东西。
Not only can understanding unhealthy signs
[AI] 不仅可以理解不健康的迹象
help you avoid the rabbit hole that leads to unhealthy love.
[AI] 帮助你避免导致不健康爱情的兔子洞。
but understanding and practicing the art of being healthy
[AI] 但是理解和实践健康的艺术
can improve nearly every aspect of your life.
[AI] 几乎可以改善你生活的方方面面。
I'm completely convinced
[AI] 我完全相信
that while love is an instinct and an emotion.
[AI] 爱是一种本能和情感。
the ability to love better is a skill we can all build
[AI] 爱得更好的能力是我们都可以培养的一种技能
and improve on over time.
[AI] 并随着时间的推移不断改进。
Thank you.
[AI] 非常感谢。
(Applause)
[AI] （掌声）